All Roads Lead to Schulte’s

I suppose you could argue that the Missouri state capitol is the center of town, and that all the city’s roads lead to that big, domed, neoclassical building. You certainly do get a lot of good views of it as you’re driving around . . . and there is that traffic bottleneck called the Missouri River Bridge, and what we call “the dreaded trilevel” of conjoining highways on the south side of it. But in a very sneaky way, all roads in Jefferson City actually lead to Schulte’s Fresh Foods, a locally owned grocery store. Seriously. We always seem to be driving to Schulte’s, even when we had no idea we were heading in its direction.

At this point, we’ve grown used to the phenomenon—it’s a little like having a friendly ghost in the house that occasionally moves your things around as a kind of freaky joke. (“Doggone it, Casper! Where’d you put my glasses now?”) But when we first moved here, it kept surprising us. We’d start on the far east side of town and drive south on Eastland, from Highway 50 (which you know leads “east” and “west”), follow that road as it turned seemingly only slightly here and there, and suddenly Schulte’s would appear on our left. We had thought we were driving south, way out into the country, but the road led us to Schulte’s anyway!

Hilly, curvy, adventuresome, random-seeming Southwest Boulevard leads right to it, too. You think you’re in one part of town, and suddenly, there you are at Schulte’s again. We always call Eastland/Seven Hills/Ellis Blvd./Southwest Blvd. “the wormhole,” because it’s like those bizarre shortcuts through space and time that occur in science fiction shows.

Many other roads also lead to Schulte’s when you least expect it. Dix Road, for instance, starting way out yonder as Boonville Road, well north of Highway 50 at Cole Junction, leads determinedly south, right onto Southwest, via that weird little connector road. And Southwest—as we’ve already established—inexorably leads to Schulte’s.

And here are some more examples: Route C/Southridge, Highway 54, Highway 179, Route B, Lorenzo Greene Dr., Tanner Bridge, Madison, Jefferson, Christie Drive—like, you could have just been to the Pizza Hut, and all of a sudden, bingo, now you’re driving toward Schultes’s and its bakery full of delicious donuts. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN??

It’s just uncanny! Any road in town can lead to Schulte’s!

. . . I hope you’re laughing at this point, because it’s all psychological! Schulte’s just happens to be at one of the highest elevations in town, and it’s positioned at the intersection of a US highway and what amounts to Jefferson City’s outer loop. And anyway, if all roads seem to lead to Schulte’s, it says more about the lure of their donuts than it does about the traffic system in the capital city.

Yes, their donuts. People in this town are in love with them. People from out of town go out of their way to get them. When local burger joints get it in their mind to construct “donut burgers” (yes, people actually do such things, I guess as a stunt) as the lunch special, they get their donuts from the hands-down local favorite: Schulte’s—and they trumpet loudly that they’re using Schulte’s donuts. On National Donut Day, Schulte’s sells zillions of them. My mom loves Schulte’s donuts. When she’s in town, she stops by and gets some twists and apple fritters—those are her favorites. And before we head to Columbia, we get some to bring to her.

Hold on a minute, I have to clarify something, unless you get the wrong idea about me. I’m not a big donut eater (thankfully) . . . though if they’re in the house, they don’t last long (“wouldn’t want them to go stale, would we?”)—and that’s why I don’t tend to buy them. But worse—blasphemy!—I don’t see that Schulte’s donuts are so stupendously better than other grocery stores, although they are probably the best in town. Mom maintains that their very dough—not counting the glazes and other toppings—is better, sweeter, lighter, and fresher. Hmm. I guess she’s right. For me, though, the choice of a grocery store doesn’t hinge on the quality of the donuts, and it doesn’t even depend on the meat (and yes, Schulte’s also prides itself as the “Home of Fine Meats”). What matters to me the most is the produce section, and the overall selection, and that’s why I almost always go to Schnucks, which also happens to be closest to my house. I just wanted to make this clear. . . . But I digress.

We’re talking about Mom, here, and her donuts! . . . Sometimes it’s the simple things in life. Sometimes, you just say, Aw, the heck with healthy eating; I want something sweet. Sometimes, I’m really glad there’s something I can bring with me to Columbia, when I visit my parents, that is sure to make my mom smile.