Grilled Cheese Atrocity

Yaay! It’s time for another childhood culinary atrocity! This time, I’m sharing with you the special grilled cheese sandwich I “invented” in high school!

Well, what kinds of foods did you proudly “invent” when you were first making your own food?

I’ve been revisiting some of my formerly favorite foods that I used to make for myself when I was a youth. Before I had heard of health foods. Before I had ever eaten at a Chinese restaurant. Back when pizza and spaghetti were “ethnic” foods.

The Requisite Digression

Yeahhhhh . . . back when Taco Bell was a spicy new fast-food place for us midwesterners. Its menu board had pronunciation helps like “EN-CHI-REE-TOH” and “TAH-COH.” Remember when Taco Bell’s taco sauce came in small plastic tubs with a peel-off, foil lid? Remember when they added a second flavor of taco sauce, “Hot”? Then, they started to put the sauce into the kind of packets they’re using today, only without the silly catch-phrases? Back when the corporate colors were brown, red, orange, and yellow? Well, this "recipe" dates back to about that time. Yes, you young things, back when I was young, there were only two sauces at Taco Bell: Mild and Hot! And we liked it! This was way before “Fire,” “Wild,” “Diablo,” “Fire-Roasted,” and “Green.”

And while we’re reminiscing, I’d like to say a few words about “authenticity” and Taco Bell. I understand the urge to pillory Taco Bell for being an inauthentic non-Mexican ripoff of true Mexican cuisine. It’s not Mexican. I don’t think it claims to be authentic. It is essentially fast-food junk food with garbage cheese, but . . . for many of us in the Midwest, it was the first time we ever had food that was spicy, that burned our mouths. It taught us the words taco and burrito. It wasn’t great food or even really good, but it helped us discover the cuisine. It was like Kenny G to jazz, or Boone’s Farm to wine; it was our gateway drug.

I’d also like to point out that, unless you like to cook for yourself, if you live in a small town in the Midwest, Taco Bell may indeed offer the best "Mexican" food for miles. This was especially the case in the 1980s and before. Even today, many of the so-called Mexican restaurants are worse than Taco Bell. The Bell’s basic tacos still stand up pretty well against some of the stuff I’ve had in midwestern Mexican joints. Honestly, I think midwestern Mexican restaurateurs know that a majority of their customers prefer seas of cheesy beans and gloppy, fatty meats, with sweet, ketchup-like salsa. And Taco Bell can be better than that.

Also, among fast-food places, Taco Bell is about the only one that offers anything besides salads and French fries for vegetarians to eat. And "Mexican-inspired" fast food can be much tastier than the standard ol' burger and fries.

Which leads me back to my topic. My sandwich has very, very little to do with Mexican food. Nothing, in fact. But Taco Bell Hot sauce is a key ingredient.

So hang on to your stomach, here we go!

Taco-Bell-Hot-Sauce Grilled Cheese Atrocity

For one sandwich, you will need:

• 2 slices of sandwich bread (the plain white stuff)
• 2 packets of Taco Bell Hot taco sauce (not any other flavor)
• About 4–5 hamburger dill pickle slices (Heinz preferred)
• 2 slices of mild or medium cheddar cheese
• Margarine or butter (for frying)

Spread the Taco Bell Hot taco sauce onto one of the slices of bread. Top with sliced cheese, then add the pickle slices. Cover with the other slice of bread.

Heat a skillet, add a pat of margarine or butter into the skillet; when it’s melted, heat the sandwich on the buttery skillet. Flip. Cook until toasted. You can eat it now, or . . .

Bonus points: I high school, I used to make this in the evening, then pack it up in aluminum foil and carry it to school for lunch the next day. So try this: let the sandwich cool on the counter, then wrap it in foil or a sandwich bag. Refrigerate overnight. Eat cold, or at room temperature, as if it had to sit in your locker until lunchtime. It’s actually better this way, after it’s rested and solidified somewhat. I’m not sure why, but it’s the same principle as enjoying a cold slice of pizza or a piece of cold fried chicken. It might be because, being more solid, the sandwich seems more substantial. It’s also tidier to eat, now that it’s not gooey and drippy.

What is it that makes this work? On paper, it’s an atrocity: dill pickles and taco sauce. It must have something to do with the specific flavor of the Taco Bell Hot sauce. My guess is that the smooth, mild cheese melds whatever flavors the pickles and taco sauce have that can harmonize. The distinctive flavors of Taco Bell Hot sauce include plenty of cumin with onion and garlic powders, and I think those go especially well with something in the pickles. Maybe it’s the garlic, or maybe the vinegar . . . or maybe it’s just a salt festival. But try some other hot sauces, and you’ll see it just doesn’t work right.